The Rhyme of the Not-So Modern Landlubber (part I)

 THE RHYME OF THE NOT-SO MODERN LANDLUBBER (Part I)

I - HILL

Misty grey

Cloudy trees withal

Wreathed in weather and sunlight ray

Perched atop it stands a princely hall

II - HALL

This hall of wood has a wall that’s round

And portals three where knights do bound

And centred in this circular wall

There stands the master’s rounded hall

Within this hall the master lives

Unto his knights his food he gives

Within this hall they all do dwell

And every man within lives well

III - HALL ON HILL

Sir Jack of mighty strength renowned

Awoke one summer day

A mighty din upon his door

Awoke him as he lay

With voice awash with sleepiness

He shouted, ‘Go away!’

The noisome hand resumed its knocks

While Jack did turn away

The door flew open with a bang

The hero Jack did stare

The master stood with face all red

And sweat within his hair

‘You little sluggard, wake you up!’

This monster did deplore

Then out of bed, our sleepy Jack

He fell onto the floor

Disgust apparent on his face

The master looked him down

‘Up you get, you lazy lump,’

He said with grumpy frown

The master gestured with his hand

And through the door they passed

Along a corridor they walked

With legs a-moving fast

Upon each side were doors of wood

And rooms where knights did sleep

Sir Jack the wooden floor did tread

While friends reposéd deep

Anon the corridor did end,

Before Sir Jack there stood

A gleaming polished portal large

With handle made of wood

Into this room our heroes went

The door the master closed

Within the office now they stood

While all the oth’rs reposed

‘Now sit you down,’ the master said,

Sir Jack, he did comply

‘And now the reason you are here,

I’m going to tell you why’

‘Forsooth the brave Sir Joshua

Was walking early morn

And at his side he bore his sword

‘Reflector of the Dawn’’

‘As in the trees he walked and thought

He heard a frightful sound

And at that noise he drew his sword

And then he turned around’

‘Behind him was a frightful sight

A monster grassy green

A dragon baring teeth and claw

His aspect very mean’

‘Our noble knight did raise his sword

Intending then to fight

The dragon lunged and snatched his sword:

Sir Joshua in flight’

‘A spark of fury in his breast

His anger’s bomb doth burst

Sir Josh does turn and face his foe

And charges him headfirst’

‘The dragon watched him nigh advance

And then he opened wide

A spurt of golden flame emerged

Sir Josh did jump aside’

‘Then from the right he tried again

And charged once more his foe

A shiny claw, all diamond bright

Did smite him with a blow’

‘He clutched his side and roared in pain

And then he turned to flee

The dragon slowly raised a foot

Began to follow, he’

‘Yet corpulence did drag at him

He soon began to tire

His wings too weak to bear his weight:

He shot a jet of fire’

‘His arms a-flailing, Sir Josh did run

Until he reached this room

And as his tale he did relate

He gave me news of doom:’

‘‘The dragon’s coming, to breathe his flame

Upon these walls of wood

He’ll tear the place to smithereens

Demolish it for good

And then the men he’ll begin to eat

Devouring us as food’’

‘I called you, Jack, to do a job:

Away to drive this beast.

We’ll celebrate your victory

And hold a princely feast’

Sir Jack arose and nodded then

He felt both hot and cold

Though strength he had, he courage lacked:

A foppish man unbold

His muscles large, his feats of pow’r

Were only but to see:

Upon the jousting field he’s brave

In battle he would flee

He left the room and walked along

His legs like quaking lands

He stumbled down the corridor

Then at a door he stands

Then pounds upon the door and cries:

‘Awake you sleepyhead!’

The stubborn door remaineth shut

The one behind’s abed

And so Sir Jack the door he opes

Then enters crashing in 

The little man asleep doth jerk

Awakened by the din

’My squire, fool, arise and come

To aid me in my need

Do come and armour me in mail

And saddle up my steed’

’Eh? Sirrah whassat? Huh?’ He says

His face awash with drool

Sir Jack doth stare with much disgust

Upon this plump fool

And then his mouth doth drop to floor

And fly up to the roof

A horrid smell was in the air

The bedstain quite a proof

The squire’s nether region damp

His face was quite contrite

(Sir Jack had watched him drown himself

In water cold last night)

[Essentially, the squire wet the bed]

He squirmed beneath the knight’s cold gaze

His face like tender meat

His giant belly sagging forward

Obscuring quite his feet

In briefest terms Sir Jack did tell

His squire of his feat

His face did lose its pinky hue

And now resembled wheat

Sir Jack his armour seized and flung

The bundle to his squire

And soon he stood a-dight in mail

His battlegarb attire

Now both departed from the room

And walked along until

They reached the entrance to the hall

And then were on the hill

Now right they turned, and walked along

Until a stable neared

Sir Jack with quaking legs did come

For he was quite afeared

Then soon they find Sir Jacky’s steed

A horse all coated grey

Sir Jack did rise upon his horse

And then he was away

A moment stood the squire, deep

In thoughts of bedsheets hot

And then remembered something dire:

The knight his sword forgot

As he did think, his heart began

To thunder, blood to pound

Without his sword, Sir Jack mayhap

Would ride unto his mound

 [i.e. ride to his grave]

And so the craven squire, a plan

Began to formulate

He started running to the door

Without a moment’s wait

He ran until he reached Sir Jack’s

Aboding room, then ceased

He saw the sword beneath the bed

All smeared from last night’s feast

He seized it then, and with the case,

Retracing steps, the stable hove

To view, then running in he looked

Around for good horse Love

The little mare was chewing on

A mound of sunny hay

She looked her up and saw him then

She did seem very gay 

[Happy, that is, nothing ‘yaoi’ about it]

He dropped the sword and saddled her

Then stopped a moment thinking

He looked upon his soiled pants

The saddle would be stinking

Once more into the hall he ran

And to his room he came

Then found he trousers clean and fresh

Then back to Love he came

Undressed with haste, the saddlebags

He stuffed his pants away

Then on the horse he jumped with speed

And then they’re on their way

*****

Sir Jack with trembling limbs did ride

Upon his steed of cloud

He rode the path Sir Josh had come

With heart a-beating loud

And soon enough there came the sound

Of footfalls huge and fell

The dragon’s nigh and drawing close

Sir Jack did hear him well

His hand unto his side did reach

His sword to now withdraw

His heart did drop down to his knee

The sword, it wasn’t there

[Like this rhyme!]

A leafy leg he did descry

With claws of shining white

And through the trees it hove in view

Sir Jack was filled with fright

His steed did rear and tried to bolt

Sir Jack did hold him tight

His horse did snort with nostrils flared

His reins were gripped with might

And now before them stood the beast

With pearly evil grin

‘I thank thee, sir, for thy good grace.

This mouth I’ll put thee in’

But as he spoke they heard a sound

Of hoof steps drawing near

Sir Jack did turn and looked around

His squire did appear

The little man was riding fast

He waved above his head

The sword Sir Jack was wanting dear

The dragon turned his head

The squire met the dragon’s gaze

Began to shake with fear

With trembling hand he passed the sword

As soon as he drew near

The dragon laughed to see this scene

‘It seems I get ye twain,

A pleasant meal thou both shalt make

Sir Knight will be my main’

‘But thou, fat sir, shall appetise’ 

And so he drew him nigh

The squire sat on frozen steed

Prepared to say goodbye

A final though did cross his mind

He reached his bags into

He found his damp and soiled pants

Then at the dragon threw

The dragon laughed, then stopped and sniffed

His grin did disappear

‘Malodorous stench!’ He roared with rage

His face did twist in fear

‘My precious scales of emerald fair

To clean doth take an age

And with thy impudence thou spoilt

I’ll eat thee in my rage!’

Advanced he then, all filled with wroth

Intending to consume

The squire reached into his bags

Preparing to resume

Now stinky underpants did fly

And on his nose it hit

The dragon back with haste did leap

(Since fatness, ‘twas a bit)

[I.e. since he was corpulent, it wasn’t very far]

‘With prey like thou, forsooth, I’ll leave

‘Tis too much to essay

No longer shall I risk my scales

I’ll search for different prey’

And with those words he turned aside

Began to walk away

Sir Jack and squire watched him go

Their hearts a-feeling gay

[Again no ‘yaoi’ here]

*****

A mighty feast was held that night

With richly flowing meat

Sir Jack and squire were seated nigh

Unto the master’s seat

They feasted well, then called the bard

A poem to recite

The bard complied and then began

A tale about a knight…